You’ve been dreaming about that getaway for months, longing for some downtime to just relax, soak up the sun, and finally read that novel you’ve been wanting to get to for the last few months. But, as the holiday planning kicks into gear, it becomes clear that the only person sweating over the details is… you. Flights? Check. Accommodation? Check. Itinerary? You bet. Welcome to the exhausting world of weaponised incompetence, a sneaky form of sabotage that shifts the bulk of holiday planning and organising onto the shoulders of women.
It’s a reality many women face, not just in daily life but also in one of the places where relaxation should be the goal: vacations. Instead of enjoying the holiday, women find themselves managing it all while their partners stay blissfully unaware or inept when it comes to even the simplest tasks. This insidious form of incompetence isn’t accidental—it’s deliberate. Let’s dive into how this frustrating phenomenon plays out and why it’s time to unpack the baggage that comes with it.
What Exactly is Weaponised Incompetence?
Weaponised incompetence is when someone—often men in a relationship—pretends they don’t know how to do something in order to avoid responsibility. Whether it’s cleaning the house, managing the kids, or, in this case, planning a holiday, they act as though they’re incapable of doing these tasks to an acceptable standard. The result? The task gets shifted onto someone else, typically their female partner, who then has to carry the load.
It’s more than just being a bit lazy or forgetful. Weaponised incompetence is strategic. It’s a way to sidestep responsibilities while keeping the appearance of helplessness. And nowhere is this more prevalent than when planning a vacation—a time when both partners should be equally involved so everyone can unwind. Unfortunately, weaponised incompetence makes sure that the burden falls squarely on one person.
The Weight of Holiday Planning on Women’s Shoulders
Planning a holiday should be exciting, but for many women, it’s like to a full-time job. From booking flights and hotels to researching activities and making sure everyone has packed appropriately, it’s a long list that often only gets longer as the departure date comes around.
For example, a woman might ask her partner to book the flights. But instead of taking charge, he might claim he doesn’t understand how to find the best deals, is confused about the timings, or simply doesn’t know where to start. He’ll mess up so obviously, booking flights at the worst possible times or choosing inconvenient connections, that she’s forced to step in and fix it.
And it doesn’t stop at flights. It could be packing for the kids, remembering to check the expiry dates on passports, or ensuring someone has house-sat the cat while they’re away. Women often find themselves micromanaging every last detail while their partner remains blissfully unaware of the logistics involved. By the time the holiday rolls around, she’s mentally and physically exhausted. And to add insult to injury, once they arrive at the destination, he’ll ask, “So, what are we doing today?” as if she hasn’t already pre-arranged the entire week down to dinner reservations.
Real-Life Examples – Women Doing the Heavy Lifting
Let’s take a common holiday scenario. Sarah and Jack are heading on a two-week beach holiday to Spain. Sarah spends weeks researching hotels, reading reviews, and booking the perfect seaside apartment with ocean views. She combs the internet for family-friendly activities, makes dinner reservations, and makes sure their kids have everything they need for the trip.
Jack? He’s simply excited to go along for the ride. Sarah, on the other hand, hasn’t just planned the trip—she’s planned every day, down to which sandals everyone should pack. And as they land in Spain, Jack asks, “So, what’s the plan for today?” completely unaware of the effort that’s gone into making this a seamless experience. While he dives into relaxation mode, she’s still coordinating. Sure, Jack might offer to carry the luggage, but when it comes to the mental load of keeping the holiday on track? That’s all Sarah.
Then there’s Emma and Mike. They’re backpacking through Southeast Asia. While Mike is happy to follow along, Emma does all the groundwork—plotting out routes, researching border crossings, and ensuring they’ve got the necessary visas. Mike might not even know which country they’re entering next because he’s relied on Emma to figure it all out. He’ll ask, “Did you sort out the bus tickets?” without a second thought, because in his mind, that’s just “her thing.”
The Mental Load – Why Women Can’t Truly Relax
One of the biggest effects of weaponised incompetence in holiday planning is that women can never truly relax. They may be on a beach with a cocktail in hand, but mentally they’re still ticking off tasks. Is the transfer to the airport booked? Are the tickets for the museum confirmed? Does the restaurant have vegetarian options for the kids? The relaxation that should come with a holiday is robbed by the endless responsibilities they still carry.
The weight of this invisible labor can make vacations more exhausting than rejuvenating for women. It’s ironic because holidays are supposed to be a time to unplug, yet they often find themselves plugged into every small detail of the trip, acting as a project manager rather than a fellow traveler. Even on vacation, women rarely get a break.
How to Address the Problem
Recognizing weaponised incompetence is the first step toward tackling it. Both partners need to have an honest conversation about their roles in holiday planning, acknowledging the imbalance. If your partner isn’t pulling their weight, it’s not about their lack of skills—it’s about their reluctance to learn. Here are some ways to start shifting the responsibility:
- Divide tasks clearly: Instead of “helping out,” partners should take ownership of specific tasks, like booking flights or organizing an activity. If they do it wrong, let them handle the consequences—don’t swoop in to fix things.
- Share the mental load: Partners should contribute to the mental planning, not just the physical tasks. If you’re thinking about every detail of the trip, your partner should be, too.
- Set expectations: Before planning begins, establish clear expectations for each person’s role. If both parties understand their responsibilities, there’s less chance of one person doing all the work.
Redefining Vacation Roles
Holidays should be about rest, relaxation, and enjoying time together—not about one person silently taking on all the responsibilities. Weaponised incompetence in men often leads to women taking on the heavy lifting not only in holiday planning, but in day-to-day responsibilites when it comes to the kids, groceries or the laundry. But this trend doesn’t have to continue. By calling out these behaviors and encouraging shared responsibility, you can create a more balanced approach to vacations and home life.
So, the next time you plan a holiday, make sure the journey to relaxation doesn’t begin and end with you. It’s time to pack light—mentally, as well as physically!
